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I'M NOT AFRAID #23

question of the day
did you know you deserve a beast of a grand shining life,
full of creation, of bond, of that sort of feeling that
makes deep chest tears flow to face level?

I repeat: 

Sometimes it is a good idea to keep a little quiet.

I repeat: 

Sometimes I do not have to fill the space.

I repeat: 

Maybe it isn’t a void.

You say, “I’ve got you covered.”
I say, Like a wagon? You be the wagon, I’ll be the horse. You ride me, or, I’ll tie myself to the front of you and start running. You whip me, or, I’ll trot and not stop and you’ll carry all the luggage. The dirt road will look like nothing, like the world has finally dissolved into one line of dust. I’ll keep running.
 
It took me years of training but now I can pretty much run forever and it’s not useless! I can evade the law! I can breathe in a way that saves me from exhaustion! I can speak in a way that saves me from feeling alone! I can smile in a way that makes everyone else think I know something!
 
I am at the top of things. Of this thing, of this building, or at least this set of stairs. The stairs to the Metro. I am waiting for you. I am leaving you. I have kissed you goodbye. Why do you keep coming back. Is it because I am so hungry for love that I dig through old versions, mining the befores because it feels like less work than opening up to the future, to the right now?
 
If I’m right, this won’t do. Nothing from the past can be brought to life in the present if what we want are bright living eyes. Will always be sunken eyes. Wearing cool clothes, sure, but will always be ugly smile.
 
Last night you weren’t there. I was with Jessica and wanted to want her. I wanted to dance harder but I didn’t. I wanted to move like I know I’m not running out of time.

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