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Soylent debuts new top shelf drink, Soylent Beige Label

Food replacement drink maker and virgin darling Soylent is out today with its newest product – a single-origin, shade-grown, isomaltulose-finish Soylent Beige Label, retailing at a whopping $39.99 or 3.8 BTC per bottle.

The new Beige Label Soylent is formulated in a single vat, then aged for 12 years in Mezcal barrels to give it a smoggy aroma and a robust gunpowder-magnesium chloride finish.

According to TechLoaf’s field reporter and soy-melier Kevin “Soy Boy/Chef Soy-R-Dee/Soymuel L. Jackson” Rodriguez, the new Soylent “pours thick and cloudy just like a traditional Soylent.”

Unlike its predecessors, the Beige Label contains hints of clover, honeysuckle, and caramelized l-cyesteine riboflavinate.

“The keen Soylent drinker will note an off-white, two-finger clump upon pour, which gently recedes to the bottom of the glass, enveloped in a creamy cloak of DL-alpha tocopheryl acetate. Careful that it doesn’t end up on your mustache first!” writes Soy Boy.

While Rodriguez does not recommend watering down this special batch of genetically modified food with ice cubes, he does suggest lining the rim of one’s glass with a light dusting algal flour powder to bring out the subtle hints of algal flour powder.

“Act fast, because it will be another twelve years before a batch’s texture will so accurately resemble pancake batter again,” warns Rodriguez.

Soylent is hardly the first player enter the luxury meal replacement market: SlimFast has been selling their line of $1,399 Pesudoephedrine-washed Nutrition Shakes since 1996. And, just last month, 50 Cent debuted his opulent Diamond-blended Ensure Vodka (recalled only three weeks later, after 50 himself choked on a five-karat stone).

Disclosure: In 2006, Kevin Rodriguez briefly shared a park bench with the daughter of Italian algal tycoons Vincento and Marietta Gardetto. Their hands brushed lightly as she stooped to tie her shoe; she blushed, ever-so faintly, before continuing on her way. This does not impact his coverage.


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Dear Loafers,

As I head down to El Salvador to “take a breather” at my safe house, I extend to you an invitation to help me on my unending journey to uncover all the dark secrets of the seed-funded underbelly SIlicon Valley.

Know a topic that desperately needs lampooning? Does your workplace need taking down a peg? Want to send us a screenshot of the most ridiculous email you’ve received this past fiscal quarter?

Hit “reply” and let me know which company or topic we should roast next.

Also, does anyone have an El Salvadoran Netflix password? ¿Por favor?

Yours in Gluten,
Carl “What the hell is a púpúsá” Cantana
Senior Executive Chief of Salvadoran Hog Lagoons

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