Oh, hello! Virgil Texas here. Welcome to the inaugural issue of the Chapo Trap House email newsletter. This is an exclusive content delivery nozzle provided to subscribers to Chapo Trap House and their paramours. Through this medium we will provide up-to-the-minute information about merchandise, live appearances, and just about whatever's on the fairly freaking random mind of me, Will, Matt, Amber, and Felix. You are forbidden from unsubscribing to the newsletter.
WE ARE SELLING MERCHANDISE
Please stop contacting us regarding merchandise. We are offering this holiday-exclusive t-shirt (despite the absurdity of observing religious rituals during the harvest preparation season) as well as a hoodie. We did the thing you desired so as far as we're concerned our hands are clean. Stop DMing us 25-minute-long YouTube videos about consumerism or whatever, we will never watch them.
Hello Pimpin Felix Biederman
When people think "Amazon" they think "family." They think taking a bunch of Ambien because they lay awake at night waiting for their spouse to fall asleep because they haven't talked about anything more than the weather in 5 years and then coming to in front of the computer, having ordered $640 in prescription shirts. They think not being a very good sibling or son or daughter, and on Christmas Day giving their family $100 Amazon gift cards because they have no idea what any of them like, and they're sure as shit not going to find out now.
They think next-day ordering thermogenic pills because their DeVry reunion is coming up and Skype often makes your face look wider than it is if you're retaining water.
My apartment, gentlemen, is family.
No, it's not perfect. Sometimes there's an errant machete stuck in my couch. Often, neighbors see my anal Kegel routine because of the opacity of my curtains. And yes, there is a constant stream of slurs due to the dominance of 15-year-olds in Call of Duty World War II.
But what I lack in basic cleanliness and safety I make up for in incentives.
The probiotic trend? There is no environment more biotic than my domicile. My bedsheets, desk, bath mat, etc, are all crawling with living organisms that you need for your in-house Kombucha blends.
Taxes are your issue? My building is technically registered in the Donetsk Republic due to Mayor Bill De Bunglero's fascist elevator safety policy, and if you're willing to take a stand against NATO, all profits you make in my apartment will be taxes no higher than 5 percent, or 400 S-400 rockets per quarter.
Furthermore, you will be helping out a neighborhood in need. My building is swarming with dead-eyed Adderall-abusing psycopaths who will design any ad campaign if it gets them their next fix. These are hopeless people in need of a hand up, rather than hand-out. Becoming my servants in a partnership with Amazon will give these people what they need to "become themselves" in the Nietzschean sense.
Enclosed with this letter is a local delicacy, a Cliff protein bar I found under my bed that has actually retained most of its wrapper for the last 5 months, meaning that only part of it is covered in dust. When you take a bite, imagine yourselves taking part in the vibrant community it was made in.
I love you,
ARE YOU STILL READING THIS
You utter buffoon. Here you are lapping up some shoddy marketing palaver. I bet you think of yourself as a rather smart cookie, too. You, a veritable brain genious, recognized an obscure reference Matt made on some episode or other. Good luck trying to get laid with that information. Here's a Matt thing:
Cushbomb's Top Ten Hip Hop Tunes! Matt Christman
1. Addams Family Whoomp -- Tag Team. Addams Family Values Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
2. Monster Squad Rap -- The Monster Squad ft. Brian Sembello. Monster Squad Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
3. Just Say No -- Young MC. Stone Cold Rhymin'
4. Addams Family Groove -- Hammer. Addams Family Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
5. The Super Bowl Shuffle -- Chicago Bears Shufflin' Crew. The Super Bowl Shuffle
6. We're the Jetsons (Jetson's Rap) -- XXL. The Jetsons Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
7. Informer -- Snow. 12 Inches of Snow
8. My Name's Mike Schmidt and I'm Here to Say -- Mike Schmidt. Mike Schmidt Toyota Commercial (1990)
9. Shake It Off (Sick Beat Breakdown) -- Taylor Swift. 1989.
That about does it for another edition of the exclusive Chapo Trap House email list. Don't bother clicking the "unsubscribe" link, we don't play with that shit. Until next time, friends, love one another because that's the only possible way for society to function.