we made the bestseller list and there's a tour so stop complai
CHAPO TRAP HOUSE NEWSLETTER ISSUE SIX
That's right everypony it's another Chapo Trap House newsletter, just in time for the holiday. Kindly add firstname.lastname@example.org to your email address book to ensure prompt newsletter delivery. If you have not been receiving emails it is because of this, your own carelessness, and no other reason.
CHAPO EAST COAST TOUR 2018
The Straight Talk Express is coming to YOUR elitist coastal enclave! Starting right after Labor Day, Amber, Felix, Mike, Will, John, Jon, and John are hitting the road for nine live shows up and down the North Atlantic shore from D.C. to Maine. The shows will have banter, crosstalk, audio/visual components, and other exciting elements. We will also be signing copies of our book and pretty much anyone else's book at each venue:
We'll be in our nation's majestic capital (and Baltimore) in just one week. Many of these shows are close to selling out while others are selling just terribly. We won't tell you which are which, you'll just have to play a high-stakes guessing game. All tickets are available at chapotraphouse.com/tour.
Now for some excellent news about the book you've heard so little about:
As you are aware, this is incontrovertible proof that the book is good, because it's popular. Thank you to everyone who bought the book, recommended indie bookstores, asked libraries to stock the book, and yelled at strangers on the internet to buy the book. Thank you to all the people with a globe in their Twitter profile who bought the book so they could post screenshots of great jokes from it along with their own inarticulate sputtering. A special thank you to Bill Scher, who is now entitled to a backstage pass to every Chapo live show to do poppers with us, whose Politico review of the book (summary: the Korean War was good, yeah the New Deal was segregated but, you forgot the Department of Energy) was widely shared by nearly every establishmentarian ghoul we have personally and viciously roasted on our show.
Our humble book has surpassed our wildest expectations, pissing off the right people and giving us hope that the millions of apolitical Mikes and Peters and Janes in the country will pick up a copy and come to think that there is, somewhere, some alternative to endless war and endless work. Or at least they'll like Eli Valley's drawings of neocons' penises so much they start a DeviantArt dedicated to David Frum.
Of course, in the week that our book has been in stores, several people have pointed out factual errors within its pages. The publishing process is quite long, and we were forced to submit a completed manuscript of The Chapo Guide to Revolution nearly a year before the publication date. As a result, some unforeseen events happened to contradict what we wrote. While we did our best to ensure our polemic would be as accurate and durable as possible, some errors fell through the cracks, as addressed here.
THE CHAPO GUIDE TO REVOLUTION ERRATA Virgil Texas
On page 291 we wrote that Sen. John McCain would die of a malignant brain tumor on August 25, 2018 at 4:28 p.m. We meant to specify 4:28 p.m. Mountain Time.
On page 17 we wrote that the leaders of the USSR committed no crimes whatsoever. We sadly omitted Brezhnev's shameful deviation from the science of Marxism-Leninism.
On page 105 we wrote that the right wing would be consumed by an inane message board conspiracy theory involving the deep state, Illuminati, and pedophile rings operated by John Podesta and Hillary Clinton. In fact, it goes way deeper than that.
In chapter 6, "Chapo Goes To Tinseltown!" we wrote the following: "With a stellar cast full of young up-and-comers and tried-and-true Hollywood shooters, the Han Solo movie is sure to make the Kessel Fun in less than 12 buckets of popcorn!" We neglected to mention that there would be a horny robot in it too.
On page 113 we wrote that "Henry 'Scoop' Jackson was a thot, a PAWG, and a damn snack." He was actually a gross old man.
On page 156 we wrote, "The blue leaves of early autumn crunched underfoot Varus' legionnaires, weary from days of forced marching but still holding aloft the soggy green banners of the Roman Senate. There, underneath the purple sky, the battle roar of ten thousand Germans crashing through the white foliage broke out, striking fear into the black hearts of the weary men so far from the burgundy hills of the Apennine Peninsula." We took a test and it turns out we're all colorblind.
In chapter 9 we wrote that the U.S. Civil War was fought over a heated correspondence dispute about whether Moby Dick characters Queequeg and Starbuck kiss. In fact, there were many other reasons for the Civil War, such as tariffs.
Page 344 contains the sentence "Anime is for stupid children." Yet pages 401-543 are one long script to an anime about a team of catgirls who solve mysteries by brushing their hair. We regret this error and will remove the offending sentence from future editions.
QANON PROOFS FOR 2019
WHITE HAT FEDERAL AGENTS UNDER TRUMPS DIRECTION ARREST MARK ZUCKERBERG, FREE CHILD SLAVES IN FACEBOOK BASEMENT. NEW FACEBOOK BOSS DON JR REMOVES ALL SHADOWBANS. YOUR GRANDKIDS WILL FINALLY BE ABLE TO SEE YOUR POSTS AND MEMES AND LIKE THEM.
PAPA JOHN, THE ONLY NON-CHILD MOLESTING PIZZA MAKER, IS APPOINTED PIZZA CZAR BY PRESIDENT TRUMP. ALL PIZZA IS PAPA JOHN PIZZA NOW.
PRESIDENT TRUMP AUTHORIZES US MARSHAL SERVICE TO ESCORT Q-BELIEVING PATRIOTS INTO THEIR BRAINWASHED FAMILY’S THANKSGIVING DINNERS. FAMILY MEMBERS ARE UNIVERSALLY CONVERTED WHEN THEY ARE UNABLE TO DISPROVE THE Q PROOFS.
CRYSTAL PEPSI IS COMING BACK
PRESIDENT TRUMP’S CLONE VATS BEGIN PRODUCING THEIR FIRST RESULTS: A CLONED ANDY GRIFFITH WHO WILL STAR IN A REBOOT OF MATLOCK
THE AMA WILL BE FORCED BY WHITE HATS TO ADMIT THAT THE FEMALE ORGASM IS FAKE NEWS.