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Quarters ... WE'RE FINE ... OMG!
I need you to read this with a smile on your face and in your heart. A positive outlook on this situation is the only thing standing between you and utter chaos.

You have heard ... or (way less likely) faced ... the possibility of a quarter shortage ravaging your way of life. You are living in terror that you may have to rinse out your underwear in the sink because you can't find three quarters. You dread wandering the Earth looking into phone booth coin returns (remember those?) hoping a forgotten quarter was left there by some nutbag who doesn't understand the value of 25¢.

Right now, my phone has smoke coming out of the top because of the crazed emails rushing in there about the impending doom of the Great American Quarter Shortage of 2020. [Insert ominous music here.]

You're positive only the rich will end up with three quarters. The masks might be driving you wild with misguided notions of how the founding fathers fought for your right to show your ugly, er, beautiful mug in public ... but by golly you know in this land of the free you're not stepping out in un-laundered socks like a communist.

Fear NOT chickadees. We've got quarters ... you'll be fine. You'll happily be plinking them away on your whites, your colors and your delicates. Toss in a Mountain Dew and you'll be sailing in style through July. Oh wait, we're out of Mountain Dew. I'll get some this week ... drink a Pepsi ... we can't hardly give those things away.

And, we will invite you to a rolling party (easy, stoners, different type of rollling) where we will load up those cute paper tubes with ten dollars of luscious simulated silver. It's actually copper and nickle because we don't have standards anymore. (I had to look online to find out what a quarter is made out of by the way. I have the entire collected wisdom of humanity on my phone just one Google away, and I'm still dumb as a rock.)

Now, I will work with the Board of Managers on this terrifying issue and we will get you taken care of in plenty of time to avoid an avalanche of unwashed linens crushing you under. We'll have a nice system where you bring me a ten dollar bill and I'll give you ten dollars in quarters.

And we shall all be delivered to the Island of Clean Clothes where the Downy flows like honey and the breeze is scented with Gain.

Phew. Saved.

Go Lanai!!

(By the way, thanks to those of you -- lots of you -- lots and lots of you -- who alerted me to this situation. I don't really pay that much attention to the real world anymore and I wouldn't have known about this until we really were in a pickle.) 
Gary Jugert, Lanai Condominiums
Copyright © 2020 Lanai Condominiums, All rights reserved.

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