Hope everyone has been enjoying reading Sidequest: In Realms Ungoogled. As thanks for being a cool dude who signed up for my newsletter, I'm giving away a bunch of copies of the Sidequest audiobook. Also, I have some great marketing tips based on what I've learned so far.
IN THIS ISSUE
- Sidequest Audiobook Giveaway
- Featured Book
- Frank Marketing Tips
- Today's Writing Tip
So, I listened to the Sidequest audiobook, and it is like really really good. I figured it would be good because I wrote it, but it was like great. It's my writing combined with a talented person doing great voices for all the characters, and it's the best. I could just listen to my own book over and over instead of reading anyone else's stupid book.
Sidequest Audiobook Giveaway
So I want you all to have this experience. Luckily, Audible is always trying to give away their audiobooks for free. Like if you never signed up before, they'll usually give you a book or two free (including Sidequest). It's a great scam. And now in their app is a "Send This Book" feature, where you can just send a book (like Sidequest) to someone and they just get it for free. What a scam; I don't know how Audible slipped up like that.
And Audible also gave me a bunch of codes for free copies of Sidequest. You just enter these letters and numbers into the Audible site, and you get the book for free. It's a huge huge scam. So I'm like, why don't I just share these codes with you guys; you all signed up for my newsletter. That means you're all smart, discerning people who will enjoy listening to an epic adventure. Also, you like scams.
So here's the deal: You reply to this newsletter saying: "I would like a copy of the Sidequest audiobook" and I'll send you the code. All I ask in return is you write a review for it, because lots of reviews is a big part of scamming people into buying a book. But that's it.
Now, I don't have an infinite amount of codes, so if I get more responses than I have codes, I'll just randomly pick among those who responded. If you don't get picked, then you'll just have to use one of those scams above to get a free copy (or just buy it if you're not good at scams).
That's the deal. Email me if you want a copy.
The Goddess Problem
Now that I've just recently put out a new book, everyone is like "When's the next book?" I dunno. It's coming. It's just it's a hassle. It's a bunch of words that all have to get formatted and put in a thing with a cover. So much work.
While you're waiting on that, I'll feature books written by other people. Today, it's a humorous fantasy story from Sherry D. Ramsey. It's only $0.99, so check it out.
"Acacia Sheridan is a private detective with a special gift for communicating with the supernatural. When a heartbroken Greek goddess comes asking for her help, Acacia's investigation takes her from an isolated cavern on Earth to the Olympian heights...but can a mortal sleuth wring the truth from a phalanx of dysfunctional deities?"
Frank Marketing Tips
So my marketing of Sidequest: In Realms Ungoogled has been pretty successful so far. I don't have the numbers from my publisher yet, but I've had to have sold at least 7 copies. Considering how many people read these days, that makes it a bestseller.
Since I like to give back, I thought I'd share all my brilliant strategies with you, my readers. And these strategies work not just with selling books but also with anything else people might sell like ice cream or fiberglass or topiaries -- I don't know what people buy these days; my wife is the one who usually goes to the store.
Anyway, here are my marketing strategies:
This is the most basic marketing strategy. You just keep mentioning what you want to sell over and over.
Buy my book.
Buy my BOOK!
BUY MY BOOK!
Another related technique to this is begging.
"Please! Please buy my book! I'll never ask you for anything ever again!" You can start crying, too. It's a common saying in marketing that if you can just get rid of your pride, you can sell anything.
With enough pestering, people will be like, "Okay. If I buy your book, will you shut up about it?"
And you can say you will even though you will never ever shut up about it. Which leads to my next marketing tip...
Let's say someone doesn't want what you're selling. Then figure out what they want and claim it's that. For instance, when I tried to get someone to buy my novel and he was like, "Wait? Is that fantasy? I only read true crime books."
So I said, "That's what it is. True crime. Maybe the truest crime ever. And extra crimey."
And then when he bought it and flipped through it and was like, "Wait. There's like dragons and fairies and demons and other garbage nonsense in this!" I was all, "No refunds!"
Lying is great. You can also use it to make whatever you're selling sound better than it is, though I don't need that for Sidequest: In Realms Ungoogled since it has already won five Nobel prizes in literature and is in the Guinness Book of World Records for being the greatest novel ever.
I know. You're probably rolling your eyes at this old-fashioned technique. In this age of targeted ads and A/B testing, why would you use anything as low-tech as pet kidnapping? But if you read any marketing book, the very first thing it will say is "People love their pets and will buy almost anything to keep them from being harmed." That's why kidnapping people pets and threatening not to give them back unless they buy your book works even in our futuristic age of Facebook, jet packs, and digital watches.
It helps to have people's emails for when you want to sell them things. A great scam to do that is to get them to sign up for a "newsletter." But you can just fill the newsletter with garbage nonsense; I don't think anyone even reads them. Just make sure to fill it with lots of links to whatever you're selling.
Well, that's all my marketing tips. Now you owe me a percentage of whatever you sell forever after since I helped.
Today's Writing Tip
What you name a character is important because it is the often the reader's first impression, and the name can characterize how people visualize the person. So never name any character Gary, because it's stupid name and people will instantly despise that character. Gary is just the worst. The only reason you'd ever want to name a character Gary is if you're going to immediately kill him off in the most gruesome way possible. Because everyone hates Gary.
Yeah, you heard me, Gary!
Ethan Nicole of Axe Cop fame is doing a kickstarter (not yet live but preview here) for his new book Bears Want to Kill You. It's a very important book as bears kill thousands of people per day.
I was on the Michael Knowles Show (also available on iTunes, ep 135) talking about Sidequest and why political satire is dead. I don't know if I was any good because I hate listening to myself.
I was also on The Conservatarians for an even longer time, talking about Sidequest (I like talking about that!) and how I'd smack teenage me.
At Sarah Hoyt's blog, I wrote a guide on writing for modern audinces called Woke-ify Your Fiction.
You can win a FREE Kindle, and all you have to do is sign up for some email lists. It's a great scam.
Well, that's it for today's newsletter. Tell me if you want one of those free audiobook copies, and good luck.
And if you enjoyed Sidequest: In Realms Ungoogled, please write a review (and rate it on Audible if you're one of those cool dudes with an Audible copy). Reviews are the lifeblood of authors. We'll die without them. Also, if you write a review, I'll be your friend. I mean, not in any way where I actually acknowledge your existence, but in like a spiritual way. Cool deal, huh?
Frank J. Fleming
P.S. To whom it may concern, I will be texting you instructions on how to get your pets back soon. Thanks for buying Sidequest and supporting me as a writer.